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Sunday, March 05, 2006

"Live-Blogging" The Oscars

6:06 The show has been on for 5 minutes and Jon Stewart's opening clip was fuckin' hilarious. All my qualms are now dispelled. Onward to the monologue. 6:07 Oh my god. I think Charlize Theron was gonna pull off her high heels, launch herself onto the stage and impale Jon Stewart in his left temple... This is going to be Jon Stewart's last Oscars ever. 6:08 Charlize Theron's dress looks like a curtain upchucked on her shoulder. Dear God. Keira Knightley's dress, on the other hand, is gorgeous. I love that shade of red. Electroman just made a great observation: This audience is hard. No wonder most host's don't come back. It's hard to be funny at all without making all the snobs look like they just took a giant whiff of shit. OH, SHIT! Charlize Theron is now joined by Joaquim Phoenix and Jamie Foxx, both of whom are now also going to kill Stewart. It's been 12 minutes, dude. 6:13 Paul Giamatti on Jon Stewart's joke about Cinderalla Man: "Hahahaahahahahaha!!!! This shit is fu-.... oh, wait, he's talking about me..." Is Hollywood really surprised by Stewart's homage to the homoeroticism of American Westerns? I've been saying it for years... 6:16 Oh. My. God. He just totally burned Nicole Kidman. She's doing her best Stepford just to avoid killing him with her pumps. Considering how craptastic her Stepford wife was, it's obvious she's just barely holding on... My prediction for Supporting Actor was: Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Mountain The winner is: George Clooney for Syriana 6:20 I think George Clooney was pretty good in Syriana, so I'm not disappointed with this. Although he seems bitter as sin that he's not getting director. Which he's not. I don't know why he deluded himself into thinking he was really going to take out Ang Lee. Okay, this masturbatory thank-you speech in which he's basically likening himself to some sort of Civil Rights superhero because the Oscars gave Gone with the Wind's Mammy an award is a little disconcerting. 6:25 Is Tom Hanks wearing a toupee? HAAHAHAHAHA. They fuckin' hit Tom Hanks with a fuckin' dart!!!! HAHAHAHAAHA!!!! Oh god, how many of us have wanted to do that? Oh damn, it's Ben Stiller. This dumbass. Does this moron really think he's funny? My prediction for Visual Effects: King Kong The winner is: King Kong 6:30 ... who thought Jon Stewart making a circumcision joke was going to go over well? My prediction for Animated Feature was: Howl's Moving Castle The winner is: Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit (???) 'Scu me? 6:34 Wow. Naomi Watts just looks lumpy in that dress. This year definitely has some near misses in fashion. I'm not going to even comment on how inhuman Dolly Parton looks. 6:44 My prediction for Live Short: Six Shooter The winner: Six Shooter Booyah. How's that for guessing? 6:49 My prediction for Animated Short: Badgered The winner: The Moon and the Sun Cute dress for Jennifer Aniston My prediction for Costume Design: Memoirs of a Geisha The winner: Memoirs of a Geisha No surprise there. The only nice thing about the movie was the way it looked. Hell the only nice thing that the winner could say about the cast was that they were pretty. Hollywood hates us. 7:01 Yes, Jon, you will be pummeled later tonight. My prediction for Makeup: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe The winner: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe Damn. Rachel McAdams looks like Frances McDormand. I didn't even think it was possible. 7:03 My prediction for Supporting Actress: Rachel Weisz The winner: Rachel Weisz The reason I thought Rachel Weisz was going to win was that... well, frankly, it wasn't really a good year for women in supporting roles. Most of these roles weren't really incredible. Even Catherine Keener for Capote I didn't think was awe-inspiring. And Michelle Williams? Weepy isn't acting. 7:10 This has nothing to do with the Oscars. Tab just had a commercial for a Tab energy drink for women. The appeal? It's pink. Hollywood hates us. 7:13 Uhm. Could someone please help Lauren Bacall? I'm worried she's gonna fall out... Thank God she didn't. 7:18 Wow. Best actress political ads. I needed that. Look at Terrence Howard: nice suit, glasses, little boutonniere thing. He's trying his hardest to get away from the fact that Sidney Poitier, Denzel Washington and Will Smith all had to tell this man not to perform the pimp song onstage. 7:20 My prediction for Documentary Short: God Sleeps in Rwanda The winner: A Note of Triumph George Clooney is my new hero. I've hated him for years but he has just been hilarious this evening. From the Jon Stewart opening clip thing with him and Jon in bed to the eyebrow raise he just gave the camera, just now... 7:21 My prediction for Documentary Feature: March of the Penguins The winner: March of the Penguins Charlize Theron's dress is still hideous. They brought stuffed penguins on stage. This is why scientists are the coolest people in the world. 7:24 I like the skirt part of J.Lo's dress. Hey, whatever happened to her music career? 7:27 An extra from the In the Deep performance was my first sighting of an Asian man in this show. Wow. Hollywood hates us. 7:33 My prediction for Art Direction: King Kong The winner: Memoirs of Geisha 7:37 What Sam Jackson said about movies, about how the most powerful movies make statements, get people to think, and change the social climate of America is exactly why I love movies. It's not about popcorn, it's about guerilla activism. This is why I have to applaud George Clooney and his new film production company -- it's all about confronting people with new ideas. What bothers me is how few of these movies that they are showing in this montage are recent. And of course, Jon Stewart is right: don't pretend like movies about oppression can single-handedly end that oppression. 7:45 Salma Hayek's dress was nothing particularly special, but damn, if her hair wasn't gorgeous. My prediction for Original Score: Brokeback Mountain The winner: Brokeback Mountain 8:03 For the record, I would not like the world to be repopulated by Jessica Alba and Eric Bana. Sure would end that little racism problem, though, wouldn't it? My prediction for Sound Mixing: King Kong The winner: King Kong 8:06 Are Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep on ecstasy? 8:20 Ah, what we've been waiting for all night: The "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" preformance. First thing that struck me: changing the word "bitch" to the word "witch". Yes, because that makes up for the whole hos and john's dancing around in front of the performers. Remember Chris Rock's map of black folk progress? This performance has singlehandedly knocked y'all off the map. The crunk has just killed Electroman. He has just had a crunk-attack. His words, not mine. And of course, Queen Latifah follows it up. Y'know what? Y'know how when you go to a white dance club, there's that hip hop set? We just had it. My prediction for Original Song: "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" - Hustle&Flow The winner: "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" - Hustle&Flow Denzel Washington and Sidney Poitier want to die. 8:25 They just gave an Oscar to Three Six Mafia. This is so wrong. Say it with me now "Academy Award Winners, Three Six Mafia". 8:28 My prediction for Sound Editing: King Kong The Winner: King Kong 8:39 My prediction for Foreign Language Film: Tsotsi The Winner: Tsotsi 8:41 Quote of the Night: "For those of you keeping track at home. Martin Scorsese: zero Oscars. Three Six Mafia: One". Zhang Ziyi's English has gotten surprisingly good. My prediction for Film Editing: The Constant Gardner The Winner: Crash 8:45 Huh? Don't they usually do best actor after best actress? My ability to rely on the sexism of Hollywood has been turned all askew! My prediction for Best Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman The Winner: Philip Seymour Hoffman 8:55 My prediction for Cinematography: Memoirs of a Geisha The Winner: Memoirs of a Geisha 8:58 Which of the leading actress nominees is "South African-American" and isn't that just a Theresa Heinz Kerry moment? You ain't black, you ain't never been black and you ain't never gonna be black! White bitch. My prediction for Best Actress: Reese Witherspoon The Winner: Reese Witherspoon Who should've won this category? Anyone but Reese Witherspoon. Certainly should've been either Dame Judi Dench or Felicity Huffman. But apparently you have to be a twenty-something airhead to win Best Actress nowadays. Anyone see Halle Berry a few years back? Wasn't this bitch Legally Blonde a few years ago? HEY! It's Ryan Phillipe! I can't believe he's still showing his face around here -- didn't his career wash-up a la Nick Lachey? (edit: Electroman reminds me that Ryan Phillipe was in Crash. Pssht. That was a group cast.) 9:08 My prediction for Adapted Screenplay: Brokeback Mountain The Winner: Brokeback Mountain 9:12 Electroman: Uma Thurman looks like the Borg Queen. My prediction for Original Screenplay: Crash The Winner: Crash 9:17 Tom Hanks is seriously balding. It's very sad. My prediction for Directing: Ang Lee The Winner: Ang Lee My Taiwanese brethren -- represent. 9:22 Jack Nicholson ends the night. Wow. That's just strangely appropriate. My prediction for Best Picture: Brokeback Mountain The Winner: Crash Wow. That was a huge upset! I'm very surprised and shocked and really kinda bummed. Crash wasn't that good, people! Heehee, that girl in the orange dress was so excited her dress nearly fell down. Still, that SUCKS. I really wanted Ang Lee to win this sucker. Stupid Hollywood. Hollywood hates us. The only people who can talk about race and win an Oscar?!? White folks. This is such a feel-good ending. Proving that white folks still come out on top no matter what. Thus endeth this, the biggest night of Hollywood. I came out having successfully predicted 16 of the winners to Electroman's 9. I think I won... and now I feel bad that I did. Electroman says, "Don't feel bad, you simply have a smarter knowledge of Hollywood than I do." "Sure," says I. "I know exactly how messed up Hollywood is about oppression issues and can successfully predict exactly how fake they'll be while simultaneously patting themselves on the back about their 'maverick-ness'." Electroman says, "Well, baby, it's hard out here for a pimp."

8 Comments:

Anonymous Sheldiz said...

i was going to boycott movies for the rest of my life if Michelle Williams had won Best Supporting. No one from the Creek should ever win an oscar.

I agree with your fashion commentary, too... but i don't know whether the fact that i can't stand Charlize in general clouded my judgment of her dress. I think Jennifer Aniston looked great, ditto J-lo. (did i just say that?)

If i ever had any doubt that George Clooney is A-list, leading man material --- it was wiped away last night. He has a stage (and audience) presence I could not deny.

Oooh, yeah, what was up with the two Brokeback writers that won? they were either on some HEAVY sedatives or they're the most boring people alive. And i don't care how avant garde you think you are, no one can get away with wearing jeans at the Oscars.

In other news, I really have an unhealthy obsession with Morgan Freeman.

Thanks for the play-by-play, Jenn... =)

3/06/2006 09:38:00 AM  
Blogger Lis Riba said...

FWIW, I saw Mrs. Henderson Presents before the nominations were announced.

Frankly, at the time I thought how lucky Judi Dench is to be at the stage of her career where she can take roles for fun (M in James Bond, etc) and no longer feels the need to prove herself with every part.

Fun film; good role; but I didn't think of it as Oscar material...

3/06/2006 11:42:00 AM  
Blogger yellowbaby said...

Heelarious play by play.

3/06/2006 12:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Didi said...

Thank you for watching and posting about the Oscars so that others would not have to. You took one for the team last night.

I missed the ceremony but I just knew Ang Lee was going to get Best Director and Best Picture. Because out of the crop of films that came out last year, he was the Best Director of the Best Picture. Hands down, simple as that. I have no interest in seeing Crash, not even as a rental.

Finally, isn't Three Six Mafia winning an Academy Award one of the signs of the impending Apocalypse? Or is it just a sign of the infinitesimal value of an Oscar?

3/06/2006 01:43:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

isn't Three Six Mafia winning an Academy Award one of the signs of the impending Apocalypse?

I'm not sure. I would've though the vice president mistaking a man for a duck and shooting him would've been one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

Although I'm pretty sure you're right that this is definitely a sign of how pointless the Oscars have become. ^_^ Nonetheless, I admit that I wanted to see the Oscars. The Oscar pool has been an annual tradition for me since I was a kid. ^_^

3/06/2006 01:54:00 PM  
Blogger phillyjay said...

"My prediction for Animated Feature was: Howl's Moving Castle
The winner is: Wallace and Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit (???)

'Scu me?"

I saw both movies.Wallace and Gromit really DID deserve to win best animated feature.Howl's Moving Castle was waaaaay overated.
And 3 6 mafia winning was the best part.

3/07/2006 08:58:00 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

I saw both movies.Wallace and Gromit really DID deserve to win best animated feature.Howl's Moving Castle was waaaaay overated.


I guess it really depends on taste. I've always hated Wallace & Grommit as overrated. Something about the Claymation pisses me off just looking at it.

3/07/2006 02:41:00 PM  
Anonymous Ben said...

I didn't see Wallace and Gromit but Howl's Moving Castle was pure crap especially compared to the other work that Miyazaki has done in the past.

3/07/2006 11:37:00 PM  

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