reappropriate

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

A TMI that simply must be shared...

electroman shits incessantly. If you were one of those people who thought electroman was this wholly respectable, ever serious and erudite scholar-academic (maybe even one of the people who were even a little jealous or irritable with his constantly 'on' cerebral musings), take heart in this oh-so-human, perhaps even a little embarassing, fact: the man has an anal fixation. An overactive gastrointestinal system. He just loves to commune with his own shitty (if incredibly sexy) ass. I've lived with the man for five years, and I'm telling you, in all this time, his bathroom habits have never faltered. You could set a clock by how often he retreats to the bathroom. We're talking two, maybe three times a day -- and not just for a minute or two; sometimes he'll spend over half an hour. And not only that, Electroman's shits have routines that must be strictly adhered. First, like a squirrel hoarding acorns before a long winter hibernation, he collects all of his seemingly essential entertainment materials. I know I am being exiled from the bathroom area the minute he starts collecting a small stack of books, comic books, and graphic novels. Then, he chooses a few CDs and makes sure the Discman's battery supply is topped off. Finally, he'll hunt around for his curry comb -- I mean, hair brush. If it sounds like he's packing for a prolonged trip to Europe, you're about right. Second, he'll place all these things on the bathroom counter. He'll shut the door to the bathroom (as well he should). He'll dutifully use several several hundred feet of toilet paper to line the seat of the toilet (I dunno what he thinks he's going to catch -- anything I might've had, and trust me I'm clean, he's sure to have from all the... oh... fucking that we do). After he's massacred a small spruce grove with all the toilet paper he's used to cushion the seat, he'll unzip and sit down... heaving a great big sigh. Yes, that sigh is part of the routine. He'll pull out the headphones and listen to his CDs (occasionally mixing it up by playing the CD in the bathroom CD player). He'll use his left hand to prop his book open on his lap, and he'll curry comb his head with his right hand. I can hear him brushing his hair from out here. It goes like this for about twenty minutes. Then he'll stand up... wipe his ass (using several more feet of toilet paper) while looking at himself in the bathroom mirror. Flush and wash his hands for another several minutes. Is there any reason why we're constantly needing to restock the toilet paper rolls? And when we buy, you know we're buying the super-economy packs, and yet he's still burning through them at the rate of a roll used up every couple of days. Now, this wouldn't be so bad if this didn't happen so bloody often. These are times when I can't use the washroom. I'm not even allowed to take a shower as this is happening -- he's so sensitive about his ass and the possible smells that might be emanating that he won't let me be anywhere near the bathroom while it's happening. Not like I'm clamouring to take in his potentially smelly ass funk, but this is precious bathroom time I'm losing out on!! Maybe it's all the fruits and vegetables he loves to eat. Maybe he's not really shitting, but his brain somehow works through exercising the rectal muscles. His enemies might hypothesize that it's 'cuz he's so overflowing with shit. In either case, I've heard of staying regular, but this has got to be some kind of medical condition. And in case you're curious... yes, electroman is taking a shit. right. now.

3 Comments:

Blogger James said...

Wow.

This was ... the funniest shit ever! I laughed out loud.... after I returned to the land of the living, of course.

I never knew there was a sigh...

3/17/2005 12:25:00 AM  
Blogger phillyjay said...

Way too much info.....More then I needed to know.
Having said that, the fact that you can describe your boyfriends bathroom habits to a T, shows you really love this guy :) that, or you're a little too observant of people bathroom habits.....

3/17/2005 07:31:00 AM  
Blogger Karlos said...

bwaahaahahahaha! erm *snork* aaahhhahahahaha! oh my god... ow, ow *can't laugh out loud at work* ow *holding it in* ow haha! *choke* *sputter*

Remember the time he got stuck on central campus with the shits, and had to get back to Eco-House to observe the ritual on the only acceptable toilet in the state of New York?

J, I love you, dog, but you got issues.

3/17/2005 01:16:00 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home